A friend of mine is married with four children. Doug (not his real name) has a very good job and makes at least six figures. His wife Karen (again, a fictitious name) stays home to take care of the kids.
Doug seems happy and is not a complainer, but one day he told me Karen had launched a campaign for buying a very expensive bracelet. Her main reasoning was, “I work hard, I deserve it.” Doug was resisting and as you might imagine, the result was friction.
Though the details of Doug’s argument didn’t come to light in our conversation, I imagine he pointed out that with four kids to provide for today and send to college in the coming years, extravagant purchases were not on the agenda. After all, with parenthood comes sacrifice. And beyond that, top priorities were making sure all the basics were covered—a comfortable place to live, plenty of groceries in the house, reliable transportation, and everything else that goes with living a dignified life.
Still, Karen’s emotional argument of “Yes, but I deserve it” made perfect sense to her and was difficult for Doug to refute. He loved Karen and wanted to see her happy, and she wanted the jewelry.
It’s also worth noting that Doug is not an extravagant person. He drives an older Honda and if he ever splurged on himself I didn’t see it.
The consequences
Whether or not Karen eventually got the bracelet doesn’t matter right now. It’s more important to observe how “I deserve it” affected their relationship and how it might impact the family’s options and lifestyle in the future.
My point in this story is that if we look at the world through the “I deserve it” glasses, there’s nothing we don’t deserve. And if that’s true, then we deserve everything and have a mandate to go out and get it whenever we like.
Karen prefaced her argument with “I work hard,” though we can substitute any number of phrases—I pay my taxes, I’m a good person, I’m having a birthday, I just lost 10 pounds, and so on.
The bottom line
To me, “I deserve it” is the slippery slope leading to more stuff and mounting debt. It is the exact opposite of being grateful for our health, upbringing, education, intelligence, unlimited opportunity, and all the other things we’re blessed to have.
